my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
