I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
