so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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