I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
