Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
