I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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