we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
