I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
