i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
