Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
