I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
