we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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