proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
