You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
