i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
