So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
