Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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