It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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