Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
