I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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