u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
