Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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