I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
