You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
