i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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