last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I think im going to throw up on grandma
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize