i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
