I skipped work to stalk him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize