she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
