Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
