I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
