The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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