I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But break dance skills will only take you so far
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
