it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
