tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
