I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
