Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
