This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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