Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
