I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
