oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
