Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
