I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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