if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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