glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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