Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
