cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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