Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
