This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
