you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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