omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
