he was CRYING into my vagina
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
