There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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