my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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