It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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