funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
