can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
