also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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