just tell him i said nine months
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
