you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
