My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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