clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize