If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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