What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
barbara walters just said penis...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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