the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
