I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
