It's like God shit irony all over that family
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All I want is dick and wine.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
