Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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